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First Memories
Posted: 19 years ago - Apr 29, 2007My younger sister takes after our father in personality, more forward and aggressive than i. Quarreling as siblings do, she soon discovered that calling me a pansy or a sissy would bother me the most. Of course, she used it at every opportunity. Truth hurts.
I began, at a very early age, to scrutinize every action or gesture that I and others made in an exhaustive effort to “butch-up.” I noticed hand movements, facial expressions, posture….all the things in the stories about boys learning to act like girls, but in reverse, trying to avoid the feminine traits i could not allow myself to display. It worked, for the most part, though i was still sometimes bullied and teased throughout high school. But, I got better and better at pretending to be a real man. Fortunately, i was good at sports: baseball, basketball, some soccer and swimming and very good at pool. This served to bolster my manly façade. Fortunately for the success of the act i didn’t have to fight an attraction to boys, i liked girls (insert cliché Here).My dad, maybe in an effort to bring out the man in me, maybe because that is the way he was, would always honk at girls as we drove around town together. The girls would always look to see who was honking, my dad would call them "rubber-neckers" and ask if i thought they were good looking. I was embarrassed and couldn't say I liked them, so, knowing i liked basketball, he shifted to saying, "Would you put them on your basketball team?" This seemed to work for both of us. He was very supportive of my every effort to date girls: making sure i looked good and knew it, had money, my own car and giving me lots of advice. Looking back, i realize he was very supportive for a reason. Thankfully, he passed thinking he succeeded.
I had a few girlfriends during my school years, and was very good to them (My mom had always stressed that I should treat women with respect.) But, I was never good at “chasing” women; thinking back, my girlfriends were all more aggressive than i. I could flirt with the best of them, but i was not aggressive like other boys, trying hard to be respectful. . Flirting was fun and i was sure i was being respectful because the girls were flirting with me. But, not knowing how to “respectfully” take the flirting to the next stage, i didn’t push it further. The girls I did date were the ones that instigated the next step. They were also always the one to end the relationship. I think it has worked against me, my respectfulness being interpreted as a lack of interest in or passion for them. By respectfully, not looking for every possible opportunity to get “with” them, i missed most of the subtle hints i was given. In later years, I was told by many of the girls i had admired that they had thought i was good looking and would have liked to get to know me better (this from upper-class cheerleaders!!!). Now, how to relax and drop the act and be me?